Oompa Loompa doompadee doo…. I’ve got a really fake orange tan for you!!!

Oompa Loompa 

doompadee doo….

I’ve got a really fake 

orange tan for you!!!

^^^^ here's what I look like a day later... I think I'm looking pretty good :D   ^^^^^^^^^

In exactly 6 days I will be half naked, toes deep in the sand and a big fruity drink in my hand. What this means for a white (I mean whiter then Michael Jackson white)… help me!!! No one wants to look like the underbelly of a seal while swimming in Mexico. 

‘Jaws’ scared me for life… I can be in a hot tub alone at night and still hear “nanana nanana”.  So for me, a tan is necessary for me to play in the ocean without having Jaws creep up from below thinking that I’m a huge seal. 

And after my experience with the Cobra Tanning bed (ouch ouch ouch) I decided to try out alternative methods of tanning before my trip to Cancun. 

Today I tried out spray tanning. Besides the fact that I think I inhaled something that may be worse for you then the UV rays from a tanning bed, I think this is a good option. 

Downsides to spray tanning:

1. I smell oddly of bread
2. Where I was mostly white, there seams to be an odd orangish tint.
3. I feel sticky.

So besides the fact that I could look a bit like an Oompa Loompa that just rolled around in honey while I was also multitasking and baking bread… I think this might be ok. 

It's a good thing I love my dog.

Things you should never have to text to your Landlord:

"I'm sorry that Knox (my pup) acted like a rapist... At least we know that he likes you!!"

Seriously,  I've never met someone who on a daily bases has something embarrassing happen to them quite like me. My dog had his arms wrapped so tightly around his thigh that we couldnt pry him off. And theres my boy... pumping away without a care in the world and a grin on his furry little face.

So embarrassing.

Red as a lobster

Tanning isn’t for the weak—especially when you sign up for the Cobra. I should have known better. In a world filled with animals, some predators, some just trying to blend in, I definitely should have opted for the Butterfly Sissy tanning bed instead of the Cobra. But no, I decided I wanted my tan to be an adrenaline rush, just like binge-watching reality TV at 2 a.m. In just a week and a half, I’ll be in Cancun, Mexico! As a proud Minnesotan, my tan resembles a questionable traffic light—bright gold arms and legs, but my chest and legs are so white it could blind a small army. Trust me, this is the kind of tan that sends children screaming in terror and beachgoers squinting into the sunset. Out of respect for all that is innocent, I made the bold decision to head to the tanning booth instead of frightening the locals. Of course, now I’m nursing a bright red glow that’s screaming "lobster" and feeling just as hot. I could audition for a role in a fire safety video at this point!

Update: Unfortunately, wearing lace underwear to a tanning booth has left a burn design behind that is now an unintended art piece. 

 Dreams Resort in Cancun... jealous yet??  ;) 

So why do I blog?

So I've decided to share my life (embarrassing moments most likely) on a blog. No one will probably read it anyway. So... Just consider this blog to be my reminder for when I have Alzheimer's and I still want to laugh at myself.

I had a self pity blog earlier in 2013. It had some 8457 views and I was pretty thrilled. I bet most of the counted views were from myself as I later found out that you actually have to set it not to count your own views. I must have been obsessed with myself. Really obsessed.

I'm a dog owner, cat owner, home owner, child renter (foster parent), married and in the last couple weeks have tripped twice and fallen down the stairs on my backside. Boy oh boy did I have the bruises to prove it.

Do I have any profound wisdom for you today? No. Disappointing isn't it.

But there's always tomorrow!