“The voice in my head is an asshole.”-Dan Harris

“The voice in my head is an asshole.”-Dan Harris

Thank you, Dan Harris, for expressing the same thought I’ve had for many years.  It turns out most people, myself included, are much harder on themselves than they are on anyone around them.

It does make you wonder what part of you thinks these thoughts that are so out of your norm.

It’s almost as if the most fatal flaw in a human is that we can never be enough to be enough for ourselves.

Each and every day we wake up and battle till nightfall. No wonder people need pills to make them happy, pills to make others happy with them and pills that hopefully pull us out of bed to fight another day.

I do wonder what kind of day would happen if that voice in your head finally crawled out of its dark and depressing hole. I wonder what kind of people we would be if we stopped worrying about what other people think. How would we act if it didn't matter if the person in the mirror was too skinny, too fat or just not enough?

I better get a self-help book and start a morning mantra of self-love. Knowing that all the while my bitter head laughs at my attempts to flee from its dark shadow cast over me.

Oh to be human, to be flawed, to be weak and amazingly resilient all at the same time.

After a termination of parental rights, court and stress. Being a family member fostering a relatives child is hell.

The TPR after mass.

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I will probably ever do in my life. Testifying in court against my cousin as the foster parent of her child. Was it the right thing? Yes. Was it the truth? Absolutely yes. Do I feel great about it? No. Will I ever? Probably not.

I had made my choice long ago. My cousin is an adult. As an adult, she can pick herself up off the ground and decide to be a better person for herself and her family. As an adult, she can also choose to do nothing. Doing nothing is a choice.

I chose a child. A child didn't ask for a mom who wasn’t there.  A child did not know not to trust her mother behind the wheel of a car because drinking was more important.  As an adult, I chose to protect and nurture a child who deserves a chance.

I made my choice.

My heart still aches for my cousin. The Adult. The one that couldn’t grow up. An adult that hid behind lawyers instead of showing up for her daughter. I laughed with her. I grew up with her. I’ve cried with her. 34 years is a long time to love and know someone.  

I know that I did the right thing.